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012423

been up to lots of things with Amy, it's fun having her around. we drank girly cocktails at moongate lounge and gossiped, notes of coconut rice and fig leaf and pumpkin spice, lit only by a giant red orb. we three girls looked small against the plush red velvet booth, it all but swallowed us whole, gulp gulp gulp. we nibbled on smoked olives, paté, and deviled quail eggs swimming in chili sauce. I said everyone was more stylish there, but Amy rightly pointed out that it was just the mood lighting. they treated me for my birthday – so sweet.
Amy and I took shots, her tequila, me vodka plus a lil blood orange soda, for flavor, at a girl's apartment deep in the sunset. the crowd was SFSU graduates, and we walked to see hit me Harold and outer sunset, mediocre cafe, at the hut, where we moshed (probably my first time since high school) and Daniel crowdsurfed.
I was tripping too hard leaving the yheti concert, but felt thankful for Jason who called our uber and shepherded me in, I had to do nothing to get home safe from public works. I looked him meaningfully in the eyes (he looked so cute) and said plenty of things about how special he is to me that I could never remember, even if I tried.
Catherine is on a jaunt, and I am along for the ride. 6 months left here in SF, or something like that. I talked to Amy on the car ride home about how its odd and sort of surreal to realize how much your friends lives affect you: even when nothing is happening in your life, you can be sent for a tumult by the changes in the lives of others you are close to. what will the next 6 months look like? how will our friendships change? what will it be like for Catherine to move out of the city? for so little long she has been here, and for so little long it has been so nice. and now, she goes...
I had some haphazard New Years resolutions. clarity, diligence, + vulnerability and grace. flirting with the idea of getting a tattoo about it. CLARITY: I want to be clear on my goals and how to get there, and continually revisit my strategies. it would be amazing to talk about my art and overarching life plans instead of my daily emotional dramas in therapy. I want to have clarity around my emotions and not act them out in ways that confuse and hurt people. DILIGENCE: I want to be diligent and strive towards my goals in a meaningful and efficient way. maybe this looks like tricking myself into doing things I know I want to do. maybe this looks like telling myself to stop being such a lil bitch cuz im 25 and not getting any younger. success rewards diligence. VULNERABILITY: I want to lean into myself and accept who I am, and not feel shame around being vulnerable. there is so much power in vulnerability, and so much love. to express my emotions and not feel like I am losing the upper hand, or inviting judgment, or opening myself to danger, is my task. GRACE: everyone is sad sometimes, even though I get really really sad. everyone feels pain, it is in the cards. I accept the hand I have been dealt, and that things are the way they are and sometimes you cannot change them, even if you try. I want to approach people with gratitude and understanding, acceptance of myself and my situation as well as others.
I want to spend more time in lower haight, chinatown, and north beach. perhaps I treat it as if I am a tourist - grab a coffee at a café and read a book about the neighborhoods' histories. take a lonely day and make it rich, walk around and meet people, go to an event alone. I talked to Amy at length about going out alone, and how rewarding it can be. I love going out and dancing - ecstatic time, she says. it is a catharsis - at the Jessy Lanza show, Amy and I in our little boy core outfits, dancing the night away, "holding it down" as the little gay boy said, with thick black eyeliner. to be young and sexy and free, to be at the peak of your existence, to feel so you, is magic. I can do it alone, and I should try.
at the same time, it would be nice to meet more people, and make more friends. a few avenues to do this: going to events alone, going out alone, and chatting people up. making plans with friends who are a little on the outer ring. going on bumble bff. go to more art openings, and work-related events. put myself out there more, which is easy to forget when you are in a relationship.
painting goals, I probably have to think about more. painting more, yeah. I would like to finally do my show on Hyde.fm and learn to use CDJs. maybe get some more random gigs here and there. throw a renegade in golden gate park.
these are the thoughts bouncing around my mind. and of course, I love Jason and am really grateful to be dating him. today we mended and he was a cutie, even with the man bun. in the car when I dropped him off he lingered and said, "I don't want to leave you." in some ways, it makes it much easier to strategize about how to improve your life when you have the support of someone who loves you.

011923

having a nice time right now – was bumming about Jason last week but now seems resolved. had a really nice day where he picked me up from work and we went to arch to buy the stretchers for the painting I am giving him. I made bagel sandwiches and we hung out until I went to get Amy from civic center. I felt really good when he left (and said I love you.) we bought tickets to the untz and I was so excited to feel so good about him again. I guess these things really do ebb and flow. good to remember for the future– sometimes it just needs a little time to get back in the flow. I resolve to be more stable and trusting. he very clearly loves me, and I very clearly love him.
it's been so nice with Amy around. I realize now I was sad last week because I was lonely, and I was lonely because I worked all day and saw no one and live alone. even having just one more person in the house makes me so much more comfortable not seeing him, and he definitely doesn't get stressed because he has a dog and two roommates. something to think about for the future. I am pressuring Ella to come live with me for a bit in the spring. I love women, when they are awesome and smart and cool and my friend, like Amy.
today we walked to flywheel for espresso and then to toronado in the lower haight for a beer. the vibe was a little downtrodden, but in a way that I grew to like somewhat as we sat there drinking our coffee and baja blast flavored beers. the staff was unpretentious, kind, and helpful, even though everyone in the bar was white except for me and Amy. stickers littered the wall behind the bar and the beer list had no adjectives, only names. the space seemed to glow red and was unusually cold, because there was only the bottom half of a door in the entryway. we were thankful for our coats, amy's leather trench and my yellow rainjacket. we came home and made green curry and poppyseed cake, listened to parquet courts and the clash, and gossiped frivolously into the night.

after my big fight with Jason, I drove to fremont listening to a playlist of Alex g songs ranked by sadness. I ended up at my cousins', moping, where all my relatives encouraged me to drink chai and eat pav bhaji, because I should be upset on a full stomach, not empty. I laughed and sipped and ate, with a melancholy and unease distinct to my insecurity about romantic partners. I went upstairs and made my cousins spoon me on either side, disappearing into their brown folds.

011223

thinking about Amy visiting was the only thing that got me out of bed this morning. I am excited to have a roommate and a friend. can't shake the loneliness inside... remembering that song, "the loneliness inside me is a place" by empire! empire! (I was a lonely estate)...

things I want to do for my birthday:
- go to moongate lounge with girlfriends and maybe even dress up
- throw a Green Party and maybe go to o'keefes after (Irish so fits theme)
- hungover dim sum in the richmond after
- go out at vesuvio maybe the night after

things I want to do in general:
make more friends
hang out with my existing friends more
spend more time at Jon's in west oakland
spend more time in north beach
do more art-related social things
make more art
go on mini-adventures

011123

sometimes you just need to cry the loneliness out, and feel the emptiness inside; eventually, the coin will flip...

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