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was bumming for a bit, dabbled in some bladee. now feeling a bit better, on the upswing!

on a peaceful wednesday morning in soma, I sit in the drivers seat with the door open, sideways, eating a croissant from les gourmands, which flakes generously onto the street as I bite into it. but not as generously as the one from arsicault, which up until today I deemed as the best in the world. im on a strange little residential street in SOMA called bonifacio, where a woman drives the wrong way down a one-way street, twice. an Art Deco building looms forebodingly in the distance. pigeons peck at crumbs on the sidewalk, at the corner of a Main Street-looking building, stucco painted a faded tricolor, canary, crimson, Prussian blue. salesforce tower hides, ostensibly, somewhere behind. an elderly black couple wheels a cart by and looks at me quizzically, me munching on my croissant, me in my painted Mercedes, krautrock drifting out of the harmon-kardons. a few 100 feet away is Michael's apartment complex—I called him to see if he wanted to join me for coffee, but he was still asleep.




waiting to get covid. sometimes when I do yoga I cry for no reason. started a new painting, to get back into it. sometimes that's the easiest way—I'm too scared to fuck up the one I haven't worked on in a while. today in reverse table top i thought about what feeling I was feeling— "Antipathy." instead of giving in to the urge to smoke weed, I tried to watch the pilot of insecure (didn't do it for me) and then went to the studio and listened to Griselda. dont really understand how people spend so much time watching TV...

in addition to Griselda, reading about books about dutch still life, Rembrandt, Vermeer, parquet courts new album, motorik and Commedia dell’arte


I am so happy to be in my bed with nothing to do on a saturday night, with the carcass of my $5 Costco rotisserie chicken simmering on the stove. I could yelp for joy, if not for my sore throat and the fact that I am basically dead. it was nice as always to have a lot of friends around, but i am so exhausted now and am happy to get some alone time. it has been two weeks of absolute mayhem. wednesday of last week we went to trivia for the last time probably ever, because they stopped giving out free drinks as a prize. rip jeef berky's months-long winning streak. we exited disgracefully, in a meager 5th place, or something. we smoked and played games late into the night. on thursday I had a date with a guy whose nickname is too close to his actual name, so I will not name him here. we went to bar part time and Jeffrey and reed sat at the table behind us — silly. I brought him home and we played games, again, and I slept very late, again. friday we were amped to throw a party themed around tax day. it was pretty fun and my thursday date slept over and in the morning we got food and then joined my friends at golden gate park. we were too tired to go out so instead we got Burmese food in the chilly richmond and took edibles at home, and played more games. sunday shuta hung around and smoked while I ironed clothes and then Jon came by and ori left and Jon and Amy and I went to ocean beach and got taqueria Cancun and ice cream at Mitchell's. monday I took a break but Jeffrey and Amy took tequila shots and we played dominion. tuesday we went to the legion of honor where I studied some dutch paintings. I met up with my team for a dinner on the company's dime downtown, then walked to Michael's in SOMA for a Kiki. I met up with erin there and we went to the midway to do shrooms for bicycle day and see emancipator. Hannah was also in town in a chaotic turn of events and she was tripping trying to ditch some guy who was making her uncomfortable. we did whippets in the parking lot waiting for our uber and Hannah introduced us to some guy who is big in the world of psychedelic NFT art. he said he knew Alex grey and the Stanleys. we smoked at my house and made like 8 different food items, I went to sleep with Hannah in my bed for no reason at 6 in the morning. at noon I woke up in a daze and packed my shit in a bag to head to berkeley for 420. Michael picked me up and when I whined about being tired he gave me a 10mg adderall IR, which I promptly took in the passenger seat of his car. we scooped hayley bowen and shuta and headed east to get a spot on the glade. 420 was a lot of fun and I got really stoned. we post-gamed at berkeley Noah's and Catherine made baked Mac and cheese. I got tired of watching tv and talking so I called an uber home, Amy came with me and I made pancakes in the kitchen with self-loathing. we played a game of dominion and then we went to sleep. I woke up and immediately drove an hour to drop reed at the airport and then to fremont to go to the dentist. before I came back I stopped at home to see my grandma and fell asleep on her bed for 2 hours. when I got back here Jon was waiting for me and we went to go see Brian Jonestown massacre at the Fillmore. afterwards we got uncle boys and sat up talking about random shit until like 2am. friday morning I went straight to my company party where I was exposed to covid, lol. after hanging out there for a bit I headed down south to San Bruno to meet up with my thursday guy. I was in pretty bad shape but hanging out with him was nice and made me feel a little better. I stayed the night and let myself out in the morning, they were all already gone, camping in Big Sur. I went to Costco and trader joes on my way back and got a fuck ton of gas, now its almost 8pm on a saturday night and I think im gonna go to sleep.

041022 (the best weekend ever)

friday morning I woke up at noon and spent a few hours putting the finishing touches on my hand-painted silk dress for the art bash, with the door to my studio open. I copped Grateful Dead tickets and listened through Cornell 77. all of I sudden I was late getting ready and I drove to Antonio's house in the mission. we made last minute changes to our outfits and drank rose with ice. then we went to the sfmoma and we had free food and drinks for 5 hours. then we got indian food across from Michael's and ubered home. Saturday I woke up somewhat hungover but kind of fine and so we got dim sum in the outer Richmond. then we dropped off Michael in soma and went to Costco where we bought pregame supplies. I came home and lazed around and then walked to Hayley's for the pregame. we played back to back and then Michael and Bowen drove us to sutro baths around midnight. the cave rave was popping and we went right to the front for Trevor. we finished three bottles of wine and Prosecco and Bowen drove us back at like 4am. Jeffrey and I made pasta then we went to sleep. today I rolled out of bed at 3pm and opened the door to see all my friends playing dominion in the living room. 'good morning!' I said to them. I joined for the second round while eating cereal and then we decided to go to Sausalito. we smoked and then drove over the Golden Gate Bridge and ate pizza at bar bocce. then we drove to rodeo beach to catch the sunset from the top of a hill. then we crossed back into the city with the Golden Gate Bridge not lit up yet, so pretty red against the dusky blue. we dropped off shuta in Japantown and picked up Costco stuff from Hayley's and came back home. I was planning CDMX when megha texted me she was gonna come over to pick up some edibles. she came by around 9:30pm and we smoked some CBD and listened to music, then she just walked home. now I am back in my bed and excited to be able to sleep as much as I want and not have to set an alarm. I cannot wait to be free, free, free....


chaat after the art bash! 8 double shot mezcal rinses! new friends, old friends! dim sum in the morning! Costco <3 for the pregame! we pull over on the side of the road when we see Alex walking to Dolores park. Antonio drops his keys down from the bay window to Jeffrey. I watch the soccer game and the sunset from my bed, gearing up for another party. derby, karaoke, bowling, trivia, house party...lots going on these days but chaotic sf is the best sf, at least for me =)


ha! ive been dumped, again. humbling, to say the least. but deriving self-worth from my friends, and my art, and not some stupid white boy who wasn't even that fun to be around anyway. reminder to always talk to aditi when I am sad- when they say it, I believe it. something about them... very wise, like an oracle. words from friends last time this happened to me:

good stuff in there, still useful. yesterday was the first day I felt like I actually quit my job. without checking slack, I went to the beach and smoked and drank. today, I woke up without an alarm at noon, started painting my dress, eating my soup, and now will get ready to go to the art bash. how lucky I am to get to do exactly and only what I want to do, at least for now. am just so excited to see where it takes me. much painting and partying in the future, I think. Jeffrey says- being a socialite is so exhausting! the free time and peace of mind is invaluable, even though it would be nice to get a paycheck. the things I could do if I realized my power... Michael says.

with regard to boys, aditi and Catherine say stop self-selecting shitty indie white boys. fair point. laughed a lot on the phone with my friends, lucky to have a sense of humor about it all. Arjun from trivia said- the worst thing in my life already happened to me.... dangerous to think that way, but I can handle anything, I think. aditi said- we were so sad, we went through it, we worked hard. and how nice it is now to not want to die every single day. remember where we came from... thinking a lot about the last few lines of freebird ii, parquet courts edition:

When I pass my reflection there isn't any question of
Where the person in it came from
When I catch myself thinking and hear the voice that speaks inside
I know where I got my brain from
Every step I've strayed from and followed
Led me to the same location
Every act I've forsake and borrowed
A delivery to now
And I've never wondered how I came to be
I feel free like you promised I'd be
Free I feel free like you promised I'd be
Free I feel free like you promised I'd be
Free I feel free like you promised I'd be

also, I got tickets to see the dead! words cannot describe my excitement =) life ambles on, and I am along for the ride...


so much to say, writing from my bed high at 2am on a thursday, drinking a Kirkland coconut water. who was kirkland anyway? hayley laughed at me for white-knuckling the back of michael's seat when he was driving us back from in-n-out just now, going 85 through golden gate park ("not even 100!" he says) and almost colliding with the junction of the exit, save for a quick veer. I contemplated my irresponsibility and relished being stupid and young and thankfully alive. giving myself little credit these days, while simultaneously being totally self-confident and assured. recently, when I have the thought I don't like, I just think- "I dont want to think this, and I dont have to think this" and away it goes. but also I have felt stupid, like braindead, maybe from all the whippets, sad face =(. probably not though- I just read that if you do them less than 10 times a year you're fine. I resolved to actually read a book. need to do yoga, haven't. so much to do always, so little time, but isn't that the way I make it? we won trivia today- again. tomorrow it is supposed to be a really beautiful day, and so what if I'm perpetually hungover and feel a little dead? that's what your 20s are about, and if I get sick because I didn't take enough immunity pills, thats ok, I'll be sick then. no need to sacrifice my fun now for the future, certainly not for a silly conversation with seven... so I will go to the beach, I will find time to paint my dress, I will drink at the art gala, I will go to the cave rave, maybe I will even host a pregame. maybe on sunday I will recover again, or maybe instead I will go to the farmers market for some vegetables (cheap) or I will go with Jon to see marika play. or I will go to the derby in golden gate park. it occurred to me that I am living the life probably as close to the summer of love you could get nowadays in the haight - I dont even think the hippies have it beat, I could make the argument, write a paper. and isn't that what I always wanted anyway? but a bona fide thought occurred to me in the car -- I always wanted to be a part of it, but how much more thrilling to have a hand in creating it?


Tuesday- playing catch-up
Wednesday- goodbye hannah, impromptu party in the mission
Thursday- plum @ the knockout
Friday- wedding in gilroy
Saturday- wedding in gilroy, antonio’s bday

Cried coming home from plum, so happy to have everything i always wanted: friends, community, people around me that care about art and music, not feeling alone or misunderstood in my interests and pursuits. It struck me that this was all i ever wanted when i was younger and it felt so faraway and impossible back then, this urban young free experimental creative busy independent life, it was totally a pipe dream. Aditi would always say- just 3 more years, just 1.5 more years and we’ll be out of here. Now jon plays in plum and i get to be on the guestlist, ha.

Weddings make me emo. I feel outside the whole thing, can never imagine being in love like that, feels scary to commit. My therapist says i have no models for healthy relationships in my life. I felt ugly and small and peculiar. I had a dream that my brother poured a pot of boiling water on himself, for attention.