102622incredulous a little bit at how lucid my writing from the holiday season last year was/is. possibly it had to do with being in practice in leslie's writing class, but I am more wont to believe it an auspicious period of clear-eyed solitude, comfort in a deep-seated aloneness, a period of unnatural clarity of soul that afforded me an honest lens on the bleakness of life. how to get back there? back into the swing of things, the rhythm of words—less of a diary than a poem, the method conveying the mood. to write, to communicate, is such a simple joy—to quote Alex G, "how many more songs am I supposed to write before I should/can turn it off and say goodnight?"
the morning today was cold. I lay in my bed for 30 minutes longer than I ought to because it was too cold to put on clothes. I got on the 33 without paying and sat on the side of the bus with the better views and listened to God Save the Animals for the 837th time, skipping headroom piano, but only that. I considered disembarking early to acquire a pastry and coffee but decided against it because my personal finance app says my net worth is -$700. instead I almost yelped with joy when I saw someone had brought sugar donuts to the studio.
a middle-age asian man took a smoke break outside st. Mary's hospital at 10 p.m., his surgical mask hanging from his neck. I wondered, on my walk back home, listening to Hope and Southern Sky, who he was waiting for, how he was feeling. I thought about how fortunate I have been that not many of my friends have passed away, and if it were me, how would I want them to respond (like High by Miley Cyrus, probably.)
I asked the artists at my studio what I should be for halloween. one said I should go as a brain-eating zombie he could not remember the name of. one said I should go as Velma, because I look like her. in Jason's bedroom, I idled for two hours trying to figure out a costume by googling random things + "costume" on my phone. it occurred to me recently I was single for 3 years, which is somehow longer than I thought. now, instead of confronting my loneliness (read: wallowing, smoking weed, listening to Bladee) I relish doing absolutely nothing with a guy who I love for hours on end. this is not how I expected my 20s to turn out, but that is probably for the best.
I spent a slow afternoon with nephele basking in the sun in Dolores park, devouring burritos. she is moving to Greece. vibing with new friends is a special joy of its own - without any stress or awkwardness, as if you have been close forever. a very sweet thing, especially watching the sun set over San Francisco. the return portion of my 33 trip was also soundtracked by God Save the Animals - I lingered on the corner of willard and carl waiting for Forgive to fade out before ringing the doorbell to JP's place.
the winter in places like San Francisco or Chicago can be so much colder than real wintery places, the snowy locales, places that feel like they celebrate christmas. it's much more my winter - a piercing sunlight that chills you to the bone, a lagging transition out of "fall," an icy blue cast to the mood, touch of grey. Catherine says, bleak. the days are getting shorter. it is odd to listen to Elliott smith but also be in love.
102222long break from worming...I climbed half dome! I learned that I am capable of anything, including surmounting my anxiety, and that people underestimate me. I am in fremont for Diwali. my time here is so indian - I have said that before and I am saying it again. yesterday I went to mom's local art gala - she brought samosas - the patrons were the whitest of white, they asked each other what spring rolls were. after, her friends came back to ours and we ate Bombay pizza and smoked. today I ran errands with megha around town - Costco gas, Starbucks pumpkin spice Frappuccino, Kabila mithai and jalebi, Eco-thrift, dulhan pooris, eyebrows. my eyebrow lady said Kabila has the best mithai - I know, I said. we found this guy Ghauri who makes kind of litty Urdu dub. we turned up the bass in the CVS Parking lot before I picked up my antibiotics. in a weird way I relate to fremont - I resented being here so much but it speaks to me, in a way. the abandoned industrial rail road track underpasses littered with graffiti tags, the random pieces of little india, the suburban strip mall parking lots. the listening to Alex g and bladee on repeat driving around high and bored. it feels like my culture, in a way. my indian-californian suburban alt stoner culture. wonder if that will be an experience that more people relate to in the future. feels pretty unique right now, like me and Aditi invented it.
the holidays begin now, I guess, for me. I feel pretty festive, actually, and not super sad. a few days ago was more rough, I was really getting down about my random health problems. now that I have antibiotics im like ok fine this sucks but at least I know what's happening / there is a solution. Jason has been supportive through it all.
we took some shrooms and went to nightlife on thursday, which was really nice. while we were walking back I was coming at him for taking my exact date idea and doing it with his friends and he was like, "juhi, juhi, you're missing the point. this is more fun." and it made me feel really sweet inside. we had a nice time cuddling on the couch saying nice things to each other, and slept so well that night. nice, nice, nice. I am in love, for better or for worse, with a boy who is very special.
I have a radio show at bff.fm, which I'm excited for. secret alley, here I come! our milk bar party was a huge success, wow. I have peaked - I need a new dream, I told Jason that night, because I have achieved all I wanted as a teenager. I need a side hustle, my bank account is low. my next dream is to be a painter. boiler room was lame - never going again. waste of money and a night. thankfully Jason was there and tripping with him was fun and cute. it feels like we didn't have a very long Indian summer this year - the transition to early fall was swift. a few hot days here and there, but also I've been temperature confused by hopping to so many places the past few months. yosemite was burning hot, San Francisco has felt like winter recently. but we've had some nice times at the beach, me and Catherine, and I've been spending a lot more time outside. as always, keeping busy, but not too busy. excited for festivities - wearing indian clothes, eating special food, seeing a lot of family. if I remember correctly my holiday season seems to end after thanksgiving, and then I just drink peppermint flavored Starbucks and maybe go skiing while everyone else is hassled, waiting for the new year.
100522I am so happy right now ! my commute on the N to work from Jason's was awesome. from the foggy but not unpleasant Sunset to the sunny Castro I took the train, such a pleasant ride, definitely better than the 33 ride that goes up twin peaks in the most silly route possible, although it has nice views; past Cole valley, under the tunnel, emerging onto the sweet idyll of duboce park, to my joy I realize it is accessible now, not the apparatus of a distant neighborhood, but one feasibly my own, thanks to Jason's prime location by the tracks... to spend an afternoon there basking in the glorious sunlight, as I have seen so many do from the side of the road, in my car, walking, on an e-bike...then the N deposited me at duboce and church, where I walked down the Castro past thorough bakery (!) where the most charming guys gave me a pastry and a cappuccino, even though I was super late, and I told them I was trying out a new commute...so many things to do along church, a great strip to walk by -- perfect to zip over on the N for a spontaneous dinner, or adventure -- I wonder what else inhabits these streets, hidden to the naked eye, strange secrets that we could do together... to think of a we instead of a me is becoming less foreign, and I am coming to terms with the fact that it is, when available to you, decidedly more fun, although it is obviously important to carve out time to be alone... (there I go with the caveats, always!) Jon says don't think about it and just have fun, a sentiment that felt very sweet and reassuring to receive.
feeling so good about this relationship right now, like we are both learning how to not make each other sad, and it feels really nice. I feel lucky to be able to experience this, and have been feeling less undeserving lately, of love and a healthy, fulfilling relationship, although I still feel pangs of envy and insecurity from time to time. it has been easier to remind myself that I am special, that Jason thinks I am special, and that we are both choosing to spend time together because it feels great, and he has been great about reminding me too. we have been having so much fun together and I hope it will continue for a long time, if not forever. and I also feel confident that we could resolve any issue, should it come up. and I also feel confident about my ability to be alone, should something happen and we stop seeing each other (but this would be very sad.)
last week I was pretty sad. I worried that my insomnia and possibly-seasonal bad mood was coming back and I felt very down. it continued a little bit throughout the weekend but my party on saturday at milk bar was so much fun and such a success that it really lifted my spirits. hardly strictly was also super fun and on sunday we laid on the hill and did some shrooms in the sun, listening to Emmylou Harris. this new life is TOO fun, I told Jason -- dangerous, indulgent. since he moved here on friday we have spent every night together, but it feels silly to put artificial separation between us just for the sake of it. rather, it has been nice to lean in and enjoy our time together, experience the rapture of this unexpected synergy, and a deeper mutual trust, respect, and care. for now at least, this seems fine - Jason says if there is an issue we can figure it out when it comes up.
it occurred to me recently that when I was dating Louis, although we were definitely in love, there was no mutual trust or any sense of building a relationship for the future. we weren't investing in some thing that we were doing together, which made it (I think) much easier at the end for me to just leave and end it. although it was a process to grieve the loss of a love, it never felt like I lost some relationship that had any longevity or that we had put work into. in many ways it was just like we were hanging out doing fun stuff together but that was kind of it. there would never have been any question of me sacrificing anything for that relationship - staying in chicago or what have you. there was nothing to preserve, really, except for some particular kind of love, which I realized gradually was not enough to make a relationship work. very different from how I feel now with Jason, where I feel like there is a lot of mutual investment and care for each others feelings and we are learning as we go how to keep each other happy because we care about each other. it's like this totally different thing that in many ways I feel new to and like I am still learning about -- a different kind of love? but additive, the other one + more, and it feels so much more secure and safe, but still sexy.
for now, I sip my cappuccino in the studio, after a great night of sleep (didn't smoke yesterday...probably has something to do with it!) feeling grateful for this really special relationship that I have found myself in. i am in love...! sorry everyone. I was a single ally for so long and probably will be again but right now I am in it and happy =)
PS. the charming thorough guy threw an extra pastry in my bag. bless