void98 / juhi ♫( -_・) ︻デ═一  ▸

←home
portfolio
@_materielgirl

092121

lot of things chugging along...
• we tripped @ g jones at 1015 Folsom, the venue was kinda trash (good for a club though) and the speakers and crowd left something to be desired. but fun to trip, tsuruda killed it! not tryna go to a bass show there again tho.
• went to fremont, got some fancy indian clothes for the wedding
• went to rainbow, got a lot of "healthy" frozen food
• happy hr with Jeffrey at bar part time, we got drunk on orange wine then I went to whole foods and bought stupid shit
• saw modest mouse @ the masonic, show was fine, good to see them but they are so old and out of touch now, all the people in the crowd wanted them to play float on, zach and I got uncle boys after
• chris got here on friday, we picked him up from the airport and we went to of the trees and Chee @ the great northern, which was sick, funny venue...9/17 is official Catherine Quit Her Job day!
• saturday we went to burlingame for Varun's 26th bday dinner, then to Oakland for Stella's equinox party, we drank mead and ate apple pie
• sunday we hit the sunset for brunch then picked up various weed products, and proceeded to get dummy high and drive around sf, we went to the legion of honor and then to golden gate park, we sat in the sun and enjoyed the beautiful day on the grassy lawn outside the conservatory, listening to the Grateful Dead...then came back and ordered lazy Susan, ate with chris's friend Bryan and played some wavelength...
• yesterday after work chris and I enjoyed the weather and some beer on the back patio at zeitgeist, I a new fan of Pliny the elder, him a hefeweizen...then we came back and I kinda drunkenly made chicken pista korma, inspired by the dish we got at the mynt when we had lunch with my mom last week...I was thrilled because it was so yummy, and I felt competent at making indian food which I have never felt before! a few days ago I made bhindi for lunch which also turned out yummy... making progress! =) indian mom vibes...
• today was a hot and sunny day in SF, 85 degrees, we dropped chris off at the bart station then on a whim got mint mojitos from Philz (long time no get) and sandwiches from say cheese in Cole valley...sat outside and faced the sandwiches on the balcony, leisurely working and eating...now we will go drop off speakers at our neighbors for the party on friday, and maybe make some dinner with them...I read my horoscope yesterday for the first time in forever, crazy how real that shit gets!


091421

life can seem so unserious sometimes, like the point is just to keep moving along, and like our troubles are of our own creation...the sunset from Salim's condo in grand lake last night looked like it could have been over LA, like that one night I chainsmoked on the balcony and the hispanic kids in melrose hill were clamoring across the street, and the sky was pastel purple past a lone palm tree...kaesha brought gulab jamun and samosas to our house for dinner...we went to evvia on my dad's birthday and I remember when we went so many times I refused to go again, and this time I ordered with zest for life, trying to forget the pain in my mom's eyes when she said she thought they could have had a lot of fun in old age, if only he'd stuck around...to swallow that grief in addition to my own is almost unbearable, and to feel so helpless, like a child, to take away her pain has never sat well with me. it feels callous to move on and forget, but it feels like there is nothing else to do. the undercurrent coursing through all of life is one of tragedy, like a counterpoint to the highs, the joy of walking to the farmers market every sunday...papa would have turned 60 on September 12, but I guess he never wanted to grow old.

sometimes I think about what my life would be like if he were still around. I think it would be completely different. I think I would be completely different. it's hard to pinpoint what this gaping hole has done to my character and my psyche—every birthday a reflection on growing into adulthood without a father figure; every random milestone I guiltily forget until reminded by mom, like my parents anniversary; every day that passes that my grandma, depressed and purposeless, waits to die and join her son in heaven. when I feel unwanted and undesirable the thing that makes me feel most belligerent is to feel unappreciated for my resilience, and strength—things I dont even give myself credit for, because they go so unsaid, in my life and also my culture, because it is just a given that you deal with the hand life gives you, and don't make a fuss about new-fangled concepts like trauma, and anyways someone else has it worse, so you shouldn't complain. thank god no one reads this—but just in case you are, I promise I'm not complaining, I'm not complaining, I'm not complaining, I am grateful, I dont whine, I take things in stride; I promise I'm not crying, I promise every sick way I act in the world isn't informed by years of neglect and harm, I'm normal, everything's normal, everything's fine, and if I Just Work Hard Enough I Will Reason My Way to Being Better...I will take my crooked tree and make it grow straight, I can force it if I Just Try Hard Enough, I promise...at least that's what everyone tells me...

091121

an ode to the 6th avenue skating rink—fumbling, robust pig, black and brown speckled, kind-eyed and good-natured, child of granola-looking hipsters, penny board in tow; round and round and round they go, in an ant spiral, in a meditative trance, in jubilance unmatched, holy mecca of funk and disco;

huddled in pashminas in the shadow of the ominous blue of salesforce tower, hostile glow orb illuminating the night sky like a panopticon beacon, searching beams light up unwilling faces, glaring lights on the dance floor (why did no one tell them no one wants to see your face on acid—not even you!)

haze from bong hits past lingering in the air (this house is vaguely haunted, residual smoke giving form to the inanimate spirits coursing the vibe)—CBD bowl, ceiling visuals, rolled ankles, the unbearably loud quietude of an acid comedown, instinctive tremors to move, eat, do, lay, stand, talk, not talk, engage, be stimulated by the stressors of life...in stillness at 4 in the morning, we watched the international orange of the golden gate through the fog, silently beckoning weary travelers since 1937, jack Kerouac ripping through the coast and across the bridge at 100 miles an hour...

high school friends, stoners; abandoned industrial wastage; smoking dummy weed and climbing dangerous things; are you still allowed to steal from CVS? are you allowed to pee, bare-assed, in the park? are you allowed to do hard drugs at electronic shows? "I mean no, but like yes"

jerry croons like the bard of America; wonder what herb Caen thought of the Grateful Dead; wonder who wants to follow in their lineage, devout heads seeking to craft a vibe, build and engage, create something really special—are you out there, Margaret? I'm in San Francisco, looking for strangers to stop to shake their hand...

round and around and around we go, clinging to a metaphorical spine, some desperate attempt at self, some semblance of identity—a weak, tenuous ego, like bees buzzing around an empty hive, no single bee means much of anything, from a bee's eye view...

the blessed summer of san Francisco arrived with a hint of early fall, soon It will be cold enough to build fires...to have the rhythms of life not defined by academic quarters anymore is a gamble, but I feel certain it will pay off in the end.

090421

aaaAAAaaaAAAhhhhHHH....
too much, but maybe writing will make sense of it all...too much coke last night and I only got 4 hours of sleep... 😵‍💫 such a hot mess last night, but our party was really fun, other than all the drama...I think we aced it!
the past couple weeks have been long but fun...Antonio is here, Tyler too...going to a giants game tonight with Jon...megha moved to SF...zach made bread...I was working on my set, and sort of on my paintings...I went to woodside for dinner with my dad's friends...we ran into Dhruv at the farmers market and got breakfast at reverie...Antonio and I sat in the sun on hippie hill...it was my grandma's 89th birthday a few days ago...we went to wormhole wednesday at temple and it was super fun and I spent all thursday extremely hungover...we went to yoga and I signed up for a membership...darren told me I cant invite sam to anything anymore...probably for the best ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ but I still feel sad about it...I project so much...I think I might need to just go rogue and cut ties...run away...why cant I have a normal love life... >_< I feel sort of ill...hope it will dissipate with time...

entries from August 2021
entries from July 2021
entries from June 2021
entries from May 2021
entries from April 2021
entries from March 2021
entries from February 2021
entries from January 2021
entries from December 2020
entries from November 2020
entries from October 2020
entries from September 2020