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050822

feeling overstretched as always, with a perpetual hangover. my car is back from the shop — I was surprised at how I felt a little lost without it, a piece of my identity on vacation, and I am glad it is with me again. I've been exhausted for a few weeks now but it just doesn't stop, I think I might go crazy if I have to see anyone before the untz. my health is not great, on antibiotics now, like always, like its a fad. feeling a little emo and serotonin-deprived and I think it's preventing me from painting, which is a vicious cycle. Michael wants me to get on prozac, but I really don't want to go down that road again. I think I just need more sleep. tuesday after the gynecologist and getting a haircut I had a brief dinner with farm, Wednesday we partied to see off hayley and bowen and went to in n out, I was so so tired on thursday but somehow was peer-pressured into doing ketamine with Jeffrey and Michael in soma, we came down in the hot tub then somehow dropped $300 on nigiri. I felt a little bit of clarity and slept alright, but friday I had to drive down to get my car and pick up some records and books from Kyle's. afterwards my social battery felt so extremely depleted, I had to draw upon reserves to make it to Tyler's birthday dinner at bamboo. they booked out the whole restaurant for unlimited sake and mango prawns...somehow I made it back to Antonio's where we did poppers, then to some girl's place in the Castro where we did several rounds of tequila shots, then to beaux, where Antonio bought me a g&t that I so didn't need. I caught a ride with a girl back to the haight and stomped the 20 minute hike back in my cowboy boots at 2am, up the hill and muttering to myself, desperate to be in my own sober company and no one else's. on saturday I copped a tent from craigslist and spent the day with Jason, we microed shrooms in golden gate park, I showed him hippie hill and the tree. I was fading from life so we came back and made some food, then hit this show at milk bar to see medscool so I could give some 'color' to my article. in the dining room we stood in the dark listening to 'I am trying to break your heart' on the stereo... it's so nice to spend time with him, it stressed me out last week because of how unfamiliar it was to feel sum typa way about someone, so vulnerable and not contrived, not at arm's length with a nickname and a character. the flaneur, 206, the village idiot...at the risk of outing myself as sentimental, (as if that isn't the whole point of this blog), the last time I felt like this about someone new was when I was 19, and we all know how that one ended...for a moment I was skeptical if it was real, not on my end, because I am picky and peculiar, but on his, but I realized how uncharitable that was to him, to think that he might not be discerning, or particular. that thought eased me enough to get through the week, although there is no getting around the fact that when you actually like someone, as opposed to just the idea of them, the potential for pain is so much greater...so easy to dream, imagine, invent, project, so distant and aloof—and how much more difficult to grieve a real loss, of an undeniable intimacy, of a lover who you can't pretend never knew the real you..."dangerous, but exciting," I told him, worth it(?), I guess that's where I've landed...
"I am young and the world validates my arrogance" – azaz

050622

[god, i LOVE being] A L o N E

050322

on wednesday, we saw parquet courts, then kicked it at Daniel's for a bit, Jon sat on the couch playing guitar. the next day Jason hung around basically all day, I took my last meeting for good from bed...that night I wanted to sleep, but instead megha came over and we did edibles, then went to buy snacks from her college mart-mart, and then watched Alice in wonderland. I awoke on friday feeling mildly disgusting, can't believe I used to do that so much in college, get dummy high and eat like crap... I was still tired, but rallied—farm arrived straight off a red-eye from Guatemala, megha baked some focaccia, and Jeffrey drove up from Cupertino. Michael arrived and we started drinking Long Island iced teas, Jeffrey made a tuna pasta that we ate with Kyle who stopped by for a drink. he told me when I got a drink with him pre-covid I used to say I dont get San Francisco, where are all the cool people doing the cool things...I was so happy to tell him now im not just friends with them, I'm one of them, and he told me to swing by and pick up some of his records for safe-keeping when he moves to europe. nephele left early but also swung by, when I opened the door to let her out I saw Dhruv walking up the steps. we were itching for something to do, so we went to bar part time where Hayley's wallet got stolen, and I decided it really is just a place to see and be seen—the music was not lit, and anyway too quiet to enjoy dancing. after a brief episode at that strange library of esoteric books that Dhruv introduced me to, which we happened to pass by, we walked through that no man's land between soma and the mission to a bougie apartment complex where shuta was house-sitting for a friend. we sat on the roof at 3am and finished bottle after bottle of wine around the fire pit, while Jeffrey outed everyone's body count. when we got back Jeffrey farm and I ate white cheddar shells and Jeffrey forgot that he had made it all, that he was the CEO of the pasta...saturday we woke up with seemingly insurmountable lethargy, after FaceTiming all of my friends we finally all made it out of bed to go to dim sum in chinatown, driving Michael's car back to his. we scooped shuta on the way and went to begoni bistro, which my co-worker, a fourth-generation chinatown-er recommended as his family's go-to spot. we ambled along to get egg custard and boba, and hit up et al to see the Eli Thorne show I saw on instagram, "nature piss." we ubered back and got ready to go to Hayley's dinner party, dressed up all fancy, and megha dropped us off. after some rounds of charcuterie, salad, lasagna, adderall, and wine, we somehow made our way to Japantown, where we descended into a subterranean bar with a private karaoke room that reminded us so much of chicago. we sang for at least three hours, until they kicked us out and we walked around the corner to Shuta's (club shuta) where we sobered up a little. I threw up in the bathroom, and to our dismay the uber home was $40-60, so Jeffrey and I in our drunken stupor decided to walk the 45 minutes home at 4am. except I was in 5inch heels, so I walked barefoot, in my puffy orange jacket which happened to be at Shuta's already, and it seems like I haven't gotten meningitis yet, here's hoping...seems like I drunkenly talked to Jason at 5am before going to sleep where I encouraged him to break in through my window if I wasn't already up the next morning, and when I woke up on sunday at around 1pm it was to the sound of him sitting on my bed. kind of edgy, in a hot way, and after taking forever to get out of bed I made some food and we went to baker beach. it was cold but pleasant, and we walked to the little grove that josh showed me back in high school. Jason came up with the idea to do a bonfire on ocean beach, we went to a couple Safeways and looked for wood, and sat in the cold waiting for everyone to join, which they finally did around 9. when it got too cold we came back to mine and chilled, everyone left and I was so happy to go to sleep...the past couple days have been largely uninteresting, I took my car to the Mercedes dealership and had a brief spell of being emo while at the beach in Pacifica. to feel some type of genuine way about someone is a real trip, and one I haven't been on since I was like, 19, and it's weird to be so entirely illegible to myself, this axis that I have not been activated on in a long while. probably it will all explode sooner rather than later, and so I am naturally a little skeptical of leaning in, but also it's a sort of freeing to think that things are only as good as they are for a short time, and so might as well make the best of it, while it lasts. I had the thought that maybe I do really feel undeserving of love, deep down, and it feels impossible that someone would want to fuck me AND be my friend, something that happens to other people but somehow not to me. it was jarring to realize this when I feel like I have made so much progress in my self-confidence and sense of identity in the past 6-8 months, to feel this insidious thing still rooted inside me like a poison. why not me? I guess I should ask myself. I don't love the answers that I have to that question. I thought about my family and how I take it for granted that no one will ever do or want to do anything for me. it seems like I might have a lot more work to do... overwhelmingly, though, I am trying to be grateful, because although I am content in my loneliness, to be seen, even for a moment, for anything other than being 'hot', is a high I haven't felt in a long time.

050122

i had the most lovely day . . .

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