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061321

life is crraaaayyyzyyyyyy...

a lot going on in the next week, next couple weeks, next month, next couple months, but I'm chugging steadily along - gotta do my company retreat, pick up our sub, throw a darty, gotta finish reviewing these CAC grant applications, prep for my sabbatical, move joof along, get dinner in fremont, respond to Muriel and Louis, spend time with claudia before she leaves, dote on my new lover...(I jest – sort of...) some thoughts floating about on: to what degree should we write about art? what writing on art is useful? does making a living off your art provide a perverse incentive/make you make art that isn't true to yourself? what's the difference between calling yourself an artist or a painter, a musician or a guitarist/DJ/bedroom producer? should I get a masters degree...

061121

a little worried the drugs are making me dumb...talked to Aditi, when you're not in school your critical thinking muscle isn't really being flexed, and so it's so easy to lapse into hedonism because there are no visible consequences...until im trying to grasp what Jon's experiment is about and I realize I can barely retain the last 10 seconds of what was said, like a goldfish... :/
thinking maybe I miss school...thinking maybe I look into graduate programs...I guess I'm not that old yet, I could afford to wait a little bit...
how to flex the muscle? don't particularly want to cut down on the drugs, or the partying, because isn't that what your 20s are about, and also I won't always be able to do this, not when I'm 40...maybe it's fine to be kind of dumb though too, and besides what does it even mean to be dumb? just because you can't put the thought/feeling into words, does that mean you're dumb....maybe it means you're not particularly eloquent, but maybe dumb is too strong a word...
it occurs to me these are the disparate tendrils of a conversation that has been happening in my head over the past couple weeks...what does it mean to be smart, to get 'it'? what am I missing in my life? I guess I could join a reading group, but nah, fuck that shit...
I should maybe go to more museums, read more. I got all this theory from verso that I don't pretend I could possibly have understood in its entirety in college, but I haven't even attempted it yet, whereas in college at least I would try, out of sheer necessity, maybe cuz of an assignment or maybe because I needed to figure out my life purpose...and I had some belief that Adorno or ranciere would help me get there...or maybe cuz I wanted to flex and felt competitive about being smart and well-read and able to grasp complex concepts, and that's honestly not all bad...
think museums are good, and art shows, and reading more, but not just passively consuming them - need to write, reflect, integrate, not just imbibe...I guess it's true with drugs too, or at least the way I like to use drugs - what do they teach you about yourself, what can you learn?
I learned that if I am prepared for a trip it lessens the chance that I will have a bad one, need to have - water, lip balm, a sippy drink, tiger balm, Advil, pocketknife (for utility or self defense), warm clothing, headband, eye drops(!), bandana, sunglasses, hair tie, pashmina, phone, money, keys...then I can fully vibe...the thought of having the things brings so much comfort, in the case that I might need any of them, and even the placebo effect of self-medication helps put me at ease, like maybe I have an anxious thought but then I use some lip balm, rub some menthol on my nose, and suddenly im like ok, its all good now, im chillin...im here...
anyway, the thoughts don't really cohere, I dont have a central thesis, maybe I'm being pulled in too many directions...finally sf design week is done, but now I just signed up for that Ableton course (im gonna DO it this time...oh fuck and my RISD course, which apparently starts on 6/21...)
im laughably over-burdened, in classic me fashion, but that's honestly maybe how I feel most comfortable, or at the very least its the most familiar...I wonder what it would be like to train myself to take on less, wonder if it would just be boring and less fun... =)

060821

untz untz untz.... after raging to khiva in the crowd I came back to our chairs and zach was sitting there and he handed me a bowl of CBD to hit and I sat down and said to him - "this is the craziest dream ever"...I think im addicted to the bass, I could be a festival kid...the coffee I just got set me straight enough to worm, to crack the window remix taso vip.... how to explain what just happened? it wasn't even music anymore, just 7d experience...khiva was so nuts, sitting down there next to zach, rainbow tarps overhead, wind in pashmina, everyone looked absolutely crazy and fun, like a circus...I thought, this is how we party...so many drugs, can't get anything straight anymore...the energy was rogue, the whole festival was rogue, and it was fun to be rogue... I had everything I could need, different and so much better than liquid stranger, where I was dependent on others for water, etc....this time I was like, okay zach is going to sleep, darren god knows where he is, maybe he went back with zach, but like im chilling, I have literally everything I could possibly need here with me...I can go rogue...
the truth set made me lose my marbles....I truly thought I was experiencing a psychic break...like a fugue...but I was so chill with it, like I was in Alice in wonderland... truly the trippiest party ever... I had to remind myself - we are at a concert...this is entertainment... we are at a party.... this is supposed to be FUN...how is this legal...? truth was so nutty....also I was alone for it, except for Homie who just kept vibing next to me, like a reminder of all that is good in the world...that trip was a great reminder that im chilling by myself... can handle myself.... im good...
such rampant drug use.... totally fucking psychotic... have never seen that many people huffing nitrous in my life... ketamollicaine...and somehow this is a legal, sanctioned(?) event... just like a huge renegade... hahahahahaha.... this fest was so rogue...
how fucking sick to just spend a whole weekend listening to bass music, vibing, on a bender, with friends, sometimes rogue, dipping in the river, partying, camping, hanging out, meeting homies, dancing, eating good food...at the end I thought I might permanently conk off, like God was about to just hit the off button cuz I was going too hard.... I could barely walk... I slept for 20 hours when we got back monday morning... literally was on autopilot... I dont think ive ever gone so hard in my life... maybe senior week of college....
ketamine in the early hours of the morning on monday at the wormhole stage was a vibe... Darren and I kept switching off going into the crowd and hanging with the homies behind us.... at the end of it all I had lost all shame and ego, I was dancing then I would just zonk out on the ground wrapped in my Victoria's Secret fuzzy blanket for some indeterminate amount of time... then get up and dance again... and do more ketamine... and hit the bowl... and hit some tiger balm... im addicted to mate/sippy drink and tiger balm.... you literally turn into a baby...I thought - does this music make you stupid? lol.... like how adults used to talk about rock music in the 60s-80s.... like, honestly maybe.... but im here for it lol...
the sample - 'does anyone even like this music?' that was so funny haha.... is it even music? at the peak of my trip I was literally just like this is just sounds... or like, not even sounds, like some 6th sense... a totally incomprehensible language, devil worship... like zach said...
this was the fucking littest festival ever...it would have been nice if it weren't so hot so we could have slept during the day, but honestly I was vibing...thinking about lessons learned from tripping.... was so fun to be on the dirt with zach the first night trying to pack a bowl and taking foooorever....hahha.... and sticking our hands into the bag looking for the grinder and it was like the nether, like god knows where my arm has gone...not getting that back anytime soon...
acid is so fucking fun....glad liquid stranger didn't ruin it for me lol...but now im more prepared too, just gotta be rogue and have everything I need with me...no Jacob running off with the water, lol...and the confidence that I can handle myself...and that 'im on drugs...'
what did we do last week, before I forget? uhhh...highlights...
*tuesday the 25th darren qualed, we went over there to celebrate, played water pong...
*wednesday I got high alone and went to amoeba and bought two records and whiskey, spiritualized and pavement..
*thursday was Darren's bday, we picked up ori and Lukas from the airport and brought 11 donuts and 1 bagel to Darren's, we scared them by banging the door in the middle of the night...
*friday was crazy, we went to montesacro for pizza (medium) with Jeffrey then drove to oakland to go out for Darren's bday, I got too drunk and we went to karaoke, then Jeff and I slept over at darren's
*saturday morning we got up early, Jeff and I had hungover breakfast in temescal then he dropped me off in SF, zach and I glazed our ceramics and it was so witchy and fun, like alchemy... then we lazed around at home a bit then went to go meet up with Zoe and Laia in GGP for their send-off party, but we were late, so we just went to their apartment on haight st, smoked on the rooftop, then we were so high having so much fun, eating cookies and playing with slime...then I heard some music and was like what's that, sounds like its live? we went on the fire escape and there was a band playing in the next door apartment, top floor, through the windows to haight street, a crowd gathered below...it was so fucking sick, like the 60s, we went to the shared roof and vibed with their friends for a bit... then came back to ours, we got Thai food at this crazy restaurant that was in the second floor of this literal house....SO cool...forgot about that one till now... I wanna go back there high...lol. then we came back to ours and ate and played games
*sunday turns out we missed our neighbors party cuz they didn't tell us it was saturday night, but then we were like well let's just throw our own, which we did, we spent the whole day prepping...I helped darren return the sub and we bought a whole sound system, dropped 2k...lets fucking go....then came back, made sushi, always fun, then people came over....got drunk, sam and I did a little acid, it was super fun, got to talk to Martin and metal Diego for a while...good vibes all around... alekos' sister too, she was so nice... claudia arrived in the middle of the festivities, like usual...
*I barely slept cuz of the acid, the next day (monday) was meandering, like usual...sam played the kamantcheh in the morning on the carpet, good vibes...got high, got breakfast at reverie which took sooooo crazily long, it felt like hell...eternally waiting for a seat, to order, to get our food...then we went on a walk through buena vista, lazed on the lawn for a bit, then outside on my patio, I was so beat...we made paella and I crashed, too much partying for me...
*tuesday we had to work, ori and Lukas' last day, we made a huge vat of soup (yummy) and then we dropped ori and Lukas at the airport, then went to fremont to get some supplies for untz...
*wednesday was so busy, so many meetings and work and therapy...can't really remember what I did...oh claudia and I got ramen and ice cream in Hayes...
*thursday I went over to sam's after work, we got dinner in the mission and then went to tank hill, it was soooo windy....then came back, but I couldn't stay over bc of untz (glad I came back that night lmao, there was no sleep to be had at the fest, clearly...)
then we went fest mode....im kind of itching for another one already...is that crazy? that iced latte did me good, can't believe I was even able to write this worm...my brain is so fucked from all the partying...hedonism at its finest...its for sure a strenuous way to have fun, but the payoff is so rewarding...a dream, but I didn't wake up, it just kept going...
it occurs to me that untz was the start to the summer...maybe this summer will just continue to be totally insane...if anything, it taught me that sleep is great but not totally necessary...not a huge deal to not sleep for 1, 2 nights...can still have a sick time....but might need some drugs to get you through it...it was like Minecraft...being awake for so long and then the sun just rises.... and you see all of it... usually we are asleep for all that...
can't wait to throw parties with our new sound system...feeling a little crazy rogue and fun... no loyalties...a tender 23...

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